The Not So Nice Librarian’s Adventures in the Dating World

So… after 5 years of what I had thought was martial bliss… I’m being thrust back into the world of dating.  Joy.  No, seriously, can’t you hear my enthusiasm? I didn’t like dating back in my teens and early twenties… now that I’m in my late twenties, I’m tired and I have a kid… I really have no desire to get back into the dating game.  However at 2am when sleep is elusive and the house is quiet… that silence starts to get to you.  You realize that you’re friends are right; you need to get back out into the world and meet some new people.  At the very least it might give me a few new people to hang out with.  Still though; how’s a kinda shy, homebody of a librarian suppose to connect with new people especially when she lives in a small town in the middle of Oklahoma?

You guessed it.  The wonderful world of online dating.  Now I had tried internet dating once before with varying degrees of success.  That was back when MySpace was still the leader in Social Media and Facebook was still meant for college students.  I had mixed results…met a few people… some became friends… dated a couple… one of which was one of those ‘how could I have been so damn stupid’ moments and the other, despite
going our separate ways… I still have very fond memories of him.  However, I’ve never actually tried a DATING site.  So I tried joining a few.  PlentyofFish and OKcupid seem to be the best free ones so far… Zoosk and Match are completely useless unless you subscribe and pay a fee.

I’ve been on these sites for a couple weeks now.  Sent some messages… recieved some messages.  And…

WTF is wrong with people?

Have I been out of the dating world so bloody long that the basics have changed?  Since when was it cool to message a woman and say “Oh you’re cute I want to lick your P***Y????”  In what universe is that considered suave or sexy?  Does that actually work on some woman?  Or to message someone and say “Hey I have a 10 in d**k you wanna ride?”  WTF?  Seriously?   Do woman actually go ‘OMG yes I would love a ride!’ *snort* I find it hard to believe; but there are a lot of uber slutty woman out there so hell maybe it does work.

Then I had a couple guys who tried to insult me when I wouldn’t give out my phone number. And they weren’t even creative about it. Seriously… one called me a ‘baby’ and another said I was ‘scared’… WTH? Really? That’s what you’re coming at me with? Are you ten? Hells Bells I use to use those exact same insults on my little brother when I was in junior high. And they stopped working on me personally long before that. *rolls eyes* Anyway, those were the obvious idiots. There has been a couple that I talked with for a bit; they sounded fairly ‘normal’ (and I use that term loosely). Then I gave them my phone number… and apparently that was the signal to lose their damn minds.

One guy, within a few minutes of giving him my number and texting… he started talkin’ about how I was the only one for him and that he would even be willing to move down here to Oklahoma to be with me. You’re kidding right? Then he was trying to do the whole sexting thing… Honestly, someone explain WTF is the point of that? So I can masturbate to their poorly written attempts at sex talk? Really? If I want to read ‘bout sex I’m going to go find one of my paranormal romance novels and jack off to the mental image of uber masculine, sexy beyond imagining vampires/werewolves/angels/demons; whatever flavor I happen to be craving at the moment. At least my paranormal authors can spin a sex scene that would make a porn-star flush.

Another guy who sounded alright ’til I gave him my number; turned into one pushy SOB. Generally I hate talking on the phone. I have a crappy phone that cuts out all the time; plus I have a hard time hearing people on a phone. I prefer texting or meeting and talking in person. I loathe talking on the phone and reserve it for people who live in another state like…oh say… my mother. So this dude was constantly wanting to call and talk. And he would ask the dumbest, nosiest questions on the face of the planet. Like, this was the second time we had talked on the phone… we had only talked once before, that afternoon no less… and he asks me when the last time I had sex was. WTF? How the hell is that any of your business? Really? Then he keeps asking if I had told anyone that I was talking to him and what did I tell them. It’s like, dude… I mentioned you. I’ve barely talked to you. So I told them yea I was talking to someone, might be a lunch date on Saturday, he sounds India (not to be confused with Native American) and he seems ok. That was the extent of what I told people. And the reviews didn’t get any better for this fool the longer he talked. Especially considering that it was 2am and I had been going to bed when he decided to call. I had noticed I had missed a text from him and messaged him saying ‘hey sorry I missed your message. I’m heading to bed. Talk to you in the morning’. Somehow this translated into, ‘Call me’. How I don’t know. He said he wanted to ‘relax’ me before I went to bed; and kept hinting that when we met he could give me a message. Uh… no. You’re not touching me… you’ll be lucky to get a hug when and IF we meet. And the chances of actually meeting were rapidly dwindling with each word. Furthermore… why in all nine Hells would I want your voice to be the last thing I heard before I went to sleep? We ain’t that familiar yet bucko. You haven’t earned that privilege. Talking with you isn’t ‘relaxing’; we don’t know each other that well! He then asked me what my ‘fantasy guy’ was…. which of course makes me want to laugh.  My FANTASY guy is one of the men from out of my paranormal romance novels.  There’s no earthy way that any regular joe could possibly compare to the men that are regular features in MY fantasies… hence why they are FANTASIES.  So instead of really answering his question; I give him the standard ‘tall, dark, handsome, caring….yada yada yada’.  To which this fool trie says ‘well I’m tall, I’m dark, I’m handsome…”  and tries to say he has all of the traits that I just randomly selected.  Now I really wanted to break into snickers.  See, on his profile it listed his height as 5’9″… perhaps this is considered tall in his culture…. here  any man under 6 foot is considered short.  Personally… I;m 5’10” barefooted.  With tennis shoes or my boots on, I’m closer to 6 feet.  With my heels I’m pushing 6’2″…and he wants to say he’s tall?  *snort* Yea sure.  Nothin’ wrong with shorter men, I’ve dates a couple who were WAY shorter them me… but don’t claim to be something you aren’t.  C’mon now… this is common sense.

And WTF is with these guys asking me ‘did you miss me’ and ‘are you thinking about me’????

You’re kidding right?

Both this fools asked me this. WTH? I barely know you; how the FUCK can I possibly miss your dumb ass??? And no I’m not thinkin’ ‘bout you… all I’m thinkin’ bout is my novel and how nice my bath feels. Sheesh.

*rubs temples*

Needless to say, I never did end up meeting that one guy. Saturday came and I hadn’t heard anything from him since I didn’t call him the previous Thursday night. He never called me to ask about it and I didn’t call him either. Instead I look my hellhound out for a nice relaxing LONG hike around my neighborhood. Something I hadn’t gotten to do…well… since I had my son. Trying to wrangle a kid AND a big dog for a walk is anything BUT relaxing. Especially when I’m trying to train this dog in proper walking etiquette. The other dog… *sigh* she’s a completely different story.

So, I may not have gotten to go out and have lunch… but in all reality I was fine with that. Actually relieved that he never called. He was one pushy SOB. Kept trying to come visit before the Saturday date. Constantly pestering about it. If there is one thing I hate beyond anything else it’s being rushed into something, especially when I’m not sure about it. I’m a true Taurean in this respect… I like to take things at my own pace and if you try to force me, or rush me into a decision I’m not ready for… you’ll get the full on stubbornness that is a classic characteristic of this sign. And I have it in spades. Rush me and you’ll tend to get the automatic answer of ‘no’ just on principle.

After having such a joy filled and exciting couple weeks in the world of dating… I decided to update my profiles and address a couple of the more…glaringly OBVIOUS issues that had come to light. And suddenly I haven’t gotten any messages in like two days. Oh darn. Maybe that will cut down on the idiots messaging me. I have some I’m still talking to… one who seems reasonably normal. And again I use the term loosely. Least he isn’t callin’ and textin’ me all the damn time. I prefer talkin’ with someone who’s laid back and chill. We’ll see. I’m in no hurry. Though, I’m sure in the course of this new adventure there will be lots and lots of snar-foo’s to blog and laugh about.

‘Til next time…



Leave a comment

Filed under Adventures of the Not So Nice Librarian, Humor, Rant

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s