Category Archives: sh** my husband says

Am I Sitting Still?

I love my family; my guys means the world to me…. but man, are they a sassy, sarcastic bunch, I swear.

So, I go to pick up our Pup from daycare and when I walk in I see he’s sitting in the office with one of the daycare workers. I sigh, preparing myself to hear what trouble my munchkin as gotten into THIS time.

When I ask her how he was, she just smiles and says, ‘oh he was fine…’

I must have looked as confused as I felt because she goes on to explain that no, he wasn’t in trouble per-say. He had just been dancing and jumping around while they were trying to clean up so they could close, and since he was more or less in the way they sent him to the office.

Apparently this pissed our little Pup off somewhat because she told me that as he’s sitting there as still as can be, he looks at her and says ‘Am I sitting still?’

Now, most kids would probably say this truly wondering if they were behaving like they were supposed to. Mine….not so much. The amount of sass he put into that simple question left no doubt that he was being a smartass.

*sigh*

Least he comes by it naturally. No, not me… that’s his daddy all the way. My husband is one of the most sarcastic assholes I’ve ever met; so it totally figures that my kid is developing a sarcastic attitude.

Ok…so maybe I have contributed to that sarcastic attitude a tiny bit as well…. but I still blame the majority on his daddy.

On another note, I took our Pup clothes shopping the other day. Now most 6 year olds go for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Spiderman or one of the superheroes…. mine, oooh no. He goes for the shirt with the great white shark shooting laser beams from his eyes and the pixelated skull and crossbones. Oh and dinosaurs… can’t forget the dinosaurs. Probably would have gone for Godzilla if they had had any… but in a small town Walmart the selection is limited.

Oh yes, my kid is a serious Godzilla fan, in this regard he totally takes after mommy.

Anyway, we add his shirts to the basket, get him a winter jacket and move on to look at more clothes. I call him over to look at some hoodies when he goes, ‘I want the ones in the basket.’

I try to explain that ‘no, sweetie you can have more’…. he just looks at me and repeats that he wants the stuff he’s already picked out.

Back and forth we went before I realized I was sitting there arguing with a freaking 6 yr. old over whether or not he was getting more clothes….

*facepalm*

Adventures in clothes shopping, take 1. Ugh. Least it’s done for now.

Now it’s time to cook dinner and introduce the kiddo to Return of the Jedi…. to which he keeps quoting the damn Family Guy Star Wars. Dunno if I should be proud of that or not LOL.

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Filed under Adventures of the Not So Nice Librarian, sh** my family says, sh** my husband says

I’m sorry for his inadequacies

Sh*t my husband says part 3:

The day started of lousy…. ended up having a flat tire so my husband was late to work. When he gets there one of his bosses starts bitching about ” did you stop to think about finding another ride here?”
Instead of getting mad at her ( since of course he had tried to find a damn ride) he just looked at her and said “yup…and i forgot to start again.”  The other manager began cracking up. A few minutes later the first manager came back laughing and said “i just got it!!!”  My husband just looked at her and said “ooooh she who laughs last thinks slowest.”

Later one of his coworkers boyfriends
drive up. The man drives a very large supped up pickup. The coworker grins at my husband and says “now that’s a man with a big truck…”

My husband takes one look at the massive supped up vehicle and turns back to his coworker “I’m sorry for his inadequacies “.

Later….he walks into the kitchen and starts swearing….. of course concerned… I ask what was wrong.  Still furious he says ” we can create a gps to navigate us across the damn world.. so why the hell have we not yet created something to help us remember why we walked into the damn kitchen!?!”

Me: you forgot what u went into the kitchen for?

Husband: yes dammit.

Smh…….

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Filed under Humor, life, sh** my husband says

The Floor Looked Lonely

(Sh** My Husband Says part 2)

Now most of you may have seen my previous blog where I talked about some of the sarcastic, witty and hilarious things that comes rolling out of my husbands mouth before he engages the brain to mouth filter in his brain.  About a month ago, I’m talking with him and he tells me that he’s slipped and ‘busted his a$$’ at work.  I, being a loving caring woman I am, of course make sure he is alright before I start laughing at him.  To make matters worse, he apparently fell right in front of his boss.  The man looks at him and has a ‘here’s your sign’ moment.  He really says, “You fall?”  My husband just stares and blinks for a moment and replies….”Nope, floor looked lonely so I hugged it unannounced”.

 

LMAO I bout died…. so the next time your a$$ meets the floor ‘unintentionally’….remember, you didn’t fall….the floor looked lonely so you hugged it unannounced!!!!!

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Filed under Humor, sh** my husband says

Sh** My Husband Says…part 1

Anyone who has known me for longer then five minutes knows that I have an strange, quirky sense of humor…. it’s gotten me into trouble many MANY times…and I’m sure it will continue to do so.  That being the case I have a deep appreciation for dry sarcastic humor…. I blame my stepdad who couldn’t-can’t- utter two sentences without being sarcastic in some way shape or form.  Can you say Nature vs. Nuture?  LOL But that’s a debate for another time.  Anyway… since I have such an appreciation for the darker forms of humor…. inevitably I married a man who also has a dry sarcastic sense of humor.  I love him to death and it’s mostly do to the fact that I find him so damn hilarious.  Most people look at him and within minutes of meeting him will agree that he is an ASS…. to which he just shrugs and says ‘Yea I kinda got the memo’.  Probably the most entertaining and aggrevating quality about him is that he has an awesome poker face…. he can say the most outrageous crap with a completly straight face… in fact most times he appears down right bored.  So most people think he’s serious…… hell even I can’t tell the difference some days and I’m married to him.

 

In any case… since he has a habit of saying such hilarious things… I’ve taken to noting some of them down to share with others.  So here goes……I hope you get a few chuckles.

THE SH** MY HUSBAND SAYS

 

About a year ago my husband worked as a manager at one of the local restruants.  One Sunday morning my husband was running late to work- as he normally is.  I swear that man thinks it take him 5 mintes to get everywhere.  He’ll be late to his own funeral…just watch.  Anyway… He gets in and the owner of the resturaunt calls.

“Why were you late?” he demands, “Where you sitting in traffic?”

Without missing a beat my husband replies; “Yea I was….Then I decided I should probably get in the car.”

He somehow managed to NOT get in trouble……

 

Later that day….he was sitting in the office counting money when his other boss, the owners wife, comes in.  She is in a rediculous bubbly happy mood and randomly asks…. “What do you like to do for fun?”

My husband doesn’t  look up from his money and replies, “I enjoy going to nursing homes dressed as the grim reaper, what about you?”

After a very long extended silence…he eventually had to explain to his boss that he was kidding.

 

~~~~~~~~

I hope you enjoyed this addition of ‘The Sh** My Husband Says’

Thanks for reading and feel free to comment if you want. ^.^

~Nyx

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Filed under Humor, sh** my husband says

The Ramblings of a Sleeping Mind

Wife crawls into bed.

Wife: Goodnight sweetheart.
Husband: I need to stop sniffing Tide….. Good ol’ cocaine from now on.
Wife:……well I guess you can’t sniff all white powder equally….
Husband: I think il try heating up some Dawn in a spoon and shooting that.
Wife:…….*snicker* this is so going on Facebook later.
Husband: Huh? What’d I say????
Wife: Nuthin dear…go back to sleep.
Husband: ok…..zzzzzzzzz……Dammit Stucky!!

~ this was an actual conversation between my husband and me late one night. He was sound asleep and has no recollection of this conversation….which just make it all the more hilarious.

*disclaimer: in no way shape or form am I condoning the use of drugs of any sort. Nor am I encouraging people to attempt to use cleaning materials in the attempt to get high…..most cleaning materials are hazardous to your health when taken internally. So don’t be stupid.

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Filed under Humor, sh** my husband says